Turning Miserable into Grateful

Wow, what a miserable day.

Nothing, in particular, happened to make it any more miserable than any other day. I just have this constant feeling of, well, doom.

Gosh, that’s a harsh word, but I’m not sure I can come up with anything better to describe it. Sometimes the “doom feelings” creep in, and I can’t shake them. I’m basically on the verge of tears all day.

The kids have an “asynchronous” day every Wednesday from school, which means they have about 10 minutes of work. Honestly, this school year is a mess. They are doing the best they can, and so are the teachers, but it constantly feels like the whole system is imploding right before my eyes. The chatter and the rumors that even next year will be affected completely stresses me out. So much so I can’t even spend any more time thinking about it. I’m going to have a junior in high school this year who has barely seen the inside of his building.

As for me, I have a face-to-face class in the morning on Mondays and Wednesdays that is completely draining. This course is one of my favorites to teach, but I’m struggling. Half the class stopped coming. The other half barely pays attention. I tried to fight through it the first couple of months, but I can’t keep up the motivation when I get nothing in return. Again, the vibe in the classroom is very gloom-and-doom. It’s hard to get excited about teaching and learning animation or sound editing when the world feels so broken.

In contrast, I have a face-to-face course on Tuesday morning that energizes me. So maybe it’s just the luck of the draw. Every class has a personality, and sometimes, the mix of students and teacher just doesn’t work.

Another big issue for me right now is the lack of a consistent schedule. The kids are in school only two days a week. I have classes at different times every day. I don’t go into the office to escape because the campus is a ghost town, and the kids need me here. So I can’t really focus on anything without being pulled in a million directions.

Some days I run in the morning, some days in the afternoon. I hit the gym when I can, but not with any regular, scheduled consistency. I’m all over the place, and there doesn’t seem to be anything on the horizon telling me this will change anytime soon.

Today, for example, I worked all day, leaving the house at 8:30 for my face-to-face course. Then I have to rush home by 11:15 for a remote class. Afterward, I spent the afternoon grading then another remote class at 2:30. I ended up helping students via chat for a good hour before making dinner, eating dinner, and driving the teen to work. Since his shift was only three hours, I decide to go to the gym and then pick him up afterward.

It was the first time I did that, and I must say, it was nice. I had the gym to myself, and I just worked through my strength program.

Anyway, every day feels like this impossible juggling act, and I’m losing the motivation to keep all the balls in the air.

And see, now I feel like I’m complaining when I have so much to be grateful for, and then that just makes me feel even worse. This is a shitty cycle to be in, and I’m just over it.

I refuse the end this post on a negative note so let me focus on some positives about the day.

• I was given some positive feedback on a proposal I submitted for work.
• I got my run in and that’s day 401 in my mile-a-day minimum streak!
• The 10-year-old and I ate dinner solo because The Husband was tied up with a project and The Teen was getting ready for work. We had a great conversation. I love it when we just chat and spend time together without interruption.
• The Teen and I also chatted on the drive home about lots of stuff. And look how cute he is at work…

See, I feel better already. To those of you who have been commenting, thank you so much. I really appreciate the positive interactions. I needed this back in my life.