When Everything is Great But Isn’t

I started this post 3 separate times. Each attempt began with a sentence or two about how I’ve been feeling off lately, but after a few minutes I’d just sit and stare at the keyboard. It felt impossible to find the right words. At one point I decided to just ignore the black cloud over my head and share all the happy stuff, but as I typed, it seemed disingenuous and I lost all motivation.

Truth be told, all is great in my neck of the woods. The kids are good except when they aren’t, of course, but I really have no complaints. The Husband is, The Husband. We’re still pretty much in that good place I talked about a few posts ago. I really do think the kids being out of that preschool age has been good for us. Our family dynamic just works now. Each of us has a unique and distinct relationship with each other and together we “work” as a team. We all just get along, minus a few moments when we’re not, as I’m sure every family has. I mean, we’re talking about raising kids here. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

Taking the kids totally out of the equation, The Husband and I have an awesome new tradition that’s been helping us reconnect in a new fun way. He’s finally figured out cooking is actually fun and we’ve become obsessed with making a from-scratch meal paired with a from-scratch cocktail on Fridays.

I call it our in-house date night and we’ve done it three times so far.

Our first one was this amazing burger paired with a local beer.

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The burger was inspired by Binging with Babish who was inspired by Pulp Fiction, which happens to be the movie we saw on our first date, 22 years ago — don’t you feel old now?

When we got our hands on this cocktail book we decided to not only make dinner but pair it with a fun drink.

Our second night was Pasta Aglio Olio paired with homemade whiskey sours.

Screen Shot 2017-05-17 at 9.42.44 PMAgain inspired by Binging with Babish — The Husband is obsessed. This man has no idea how much he has positively influenced my life and no, not The Husband. I mean Babish!

This past weekend we did Ziggy Marley’s Jerk Chicken paired with homemade Mai Tais.

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We are really having fun with this. Some days I take the lead on the cooking, some days he does, but we both help and we do it together.

My inner, old-school-blogger wants to come up with a domain name and start a new blog just to document these nights and share the recipes. I know. I’m crazy. It’s just how I’m wired.

But seriously, how much fun would that be?  We could even include an old movie and review it.

Ha! Now I can’t get the thought out of my head. I actually just went and researched domain names.

It’s a disease.

Anyway… with the family and marriage in a good place, I turn to work. Also great. My job is challenging me in completely different ways than anything I’ve ever done. It’s a little rough being the new kid on the block at my age especially with a career shift but you guys know me. I’m never one to shy away from a challenge. Plus, I love that I’m learning a whole new skill set. I feel relevant and useful again.

I know. I know. I probably shouldn’t tie my identity and part of my happiness on something external like a job, but truth be told, I’m a worker bee. I actually enjoy working. It gives me a sense of purpose. And after working for myself for 8 years it’s nice to be told what to do now and then. I’m sure I’ll get over it, but for right now, I welcome the structure.

Okay, so family… great. Marriage… great. Job… great.

Why do I feel not so great?!

On the exercise front, I’m still killing it with the a.m. workouts. I lift M-W-F, run T-Th and do at least one active thing on the weekend. Last week (on Mother’s Day) it was a 6-mile bike ride with this guy.

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(Yes, we forgot our helmets. Yes, I know how dangerous it is. Yes, yes, I’m a horrible mother.)

On the financial front, having a second steady income and a second source of benefits is reassuring and takes a little pressure off both The Husband and me.

On the social front, I don’t see some of my friends as much as I like but in this day and age it’s easy to stay in touch. Three days a week I’m hanging out with my old gym peeps in the morning again and I’ve been reminded how important it is for me to have those social connections.

See, even more great!

Now I’m at the point of the post when I need to describe my feelings again and guess what I’m doing.

Go ahead.

Yup…

Staring at the keyboard.

Things are great. Really!

Ugh.

I’m just a hormonal mess and it makes everything not so great. I know that’s taboo and we’re not supposed to talk about these things but it’s also biology and I’m more tired, more irritable and more depressed than I have ever been before — yay, perimenopause!

I made a doctor’s appointment today because the emotional side is only half of it. Physically, I’m a mess too and it’s only been getting worse. Let’s just say — possibly TMI here — my fairly calm bubbling brook has turned into a raging river that seems to be fed by an endless ocean and I’m drowning. Life preserver after life preserver keep failing me. I also have 2-3 day long mild headaches and there have been a few times I’ve felt so light headed I thought I was going to faint.

I really don’t want to admit it’s happening but every month it’s getting worse to the point I can’t just ignore it and push through.

Good times.

There you have it. Just a life update letting you know everything is great, except it isn’t.

(It did feel good to blog all this. I should write more, not less. It would probably help.)

22 comments On When Everything is Great But Isn’t

  • I am so glad its not just me….I am at that stage too. When our daughter comes home, she’s 23, our son, whose 20. still lives at home, our house just goes back to “normal”. Everything just sings. It will be interesting to see what happens when we become true empty nesters. I am with you on the hormone front. Can they just stop, I mean really…. Congrats on the transition to working out alone. Great job!

  • You should definitely take to your Gyno about the “bubbling brook turned to torrential rapids”. There’s a lot out there as far as remedies, including an ablation, or changing up the hormones. I feel your pain! But this too shall pass, and it’s sort of a really big “rite of passage” for women that we all experience, one way or another. Welcome to the group! Lol…

  • I had a D&C and ablation when I got to that point. If they time it right, then flow pretty much goes away. (But permanent bc is needed at that point. Be sure to ask about that aspect). Made a huge, positive difference. Be sure to talk to surgeon about positioning during surgery if you have any back issues.

  • Thanks for sharing! I’ve followed your blog(s) since forever. I love to watch you and your family grow and change. That’s the thing I enjoy most, is that you change it up. It helps us see that no feelings are forever. I hope everything gets better physically.

  • It shouldn’t be a taboo subject because so many of us have gone through this/are going through it/will go through it. There is help but you do have to talk to your doctor. Birth control pills worked wonders for me in my late 30s and early 40s. To the point where my children made statements like “my mother was abducted by aliens but we got a super nice replicant model”. Okay, we may have overdosed on the SciFi movies when they were little.
    I did end up having a polyp removed at 51 and haven’t had a period since. Also missed all the menopause crap.
    It isn’t TMI. It’s biology. Good luck!

  • Glad you got it off your mind here….go to a doc who will hear you…..I have been there done that and looking back which I had gone on low dose birth control to smooth out the uneven spots during my peri which started too soon and had crazy side effects…xoxo

  • Sensational Sundays…(I say again how much I enjoy the little moments of your Sundays where I can ‘see’ your family and watch those boys grow up!!!
    Fabulous Fridays….something new? I LOVE the meal time…you are a wonderful cook and your ideas have inspired me for years!!!
    and IN BETWEEN….maybe a third day blog about your personal ups and downs and feelings…..you are REAL, you are NOT alone in how you feel, and you put it out there for all of us to join in or learn something or share something…..exercise, emotions, physical changes, ect…personal!!!

    There you go….your new blog routine! ha!
    seriously, I LOVE every single post you write. and I read them all. and I have ever since your days on WW.
    YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN. PERIOD. ~Lauren

  • Thank you for sharing! You are probably speaking to more of us who understand than you think, or at least will benefit from hearing your experience.

  • Yup…I guessed hormones when I started reading….and maybe because it’s what I do 🙂 You’ll get through it! Get your hormone levels checked, all of them, and don’t forget there are many OTC products to use if you don’t initially want to go with prescription. I’d be happy to provide any suggestions, here’s my e-mail: gail@nurse-gail.com and please check out my Facebook page: Mental Health is Wellness-Menomorphisis Doulah Good luck!!

  • In my mid 40’s here, and the hormonal changes totally suck. I completely 1,000% relate, and I’m sorry to hear it is sucking for you, too!

  • Why did I think that your….er….bubbling brook was a dry riverbed already? Didn’t you have a surgery? I was actually thinking about talking to you about it.

  • I love your new Friday tradition! I’m sorry to hear “the change” is wreaking such havoc on your life, both mentally and physically. I’m not there yet (that I’m aware of) but I know it can’t be far around the corner at 42. I have been on bcp forever, though, so it’s always possible that is keeping any early symptoms I otherwise might experience at bay. A few years back I did try going off bcp because I really don’t need it for it’s primary purpose (hubby had a vasectomy), but I felt so much more moody and my flow was sooo much heavier that I went back on within a couple months. Maybe the solution for you will be something as simple as popping a bcp every day?

  • I’m sorry you’re going through that but I love your honesty. I know it’s not what this post was about but I actually breathed a sigh of relief to see you reference the preschool years as … um … not the best, cuz that’s where I’m at this week. I hope you find answers and relief soon.

  • Perimenopause is no joke – or it’s a bad joke. It sucks – I feel you. But glad to hear the rest of your life is going pretty awesomely.

  • I had the same thing when nearing Menopause. I was dizzy and light headed and found that my iron levels were low. An iron supplement did the trick. I also had ablation surgery. Worked like a charm. Good Luck!

  • Have you considered seeing a functional medicine physician? They can be so helpful. Menopause sucks. I was done by 45. Not all regular doctors really understand hormones & the typical tests they run often come back in the healthy range. Make sure your doctor listens. Good luck to you.

  • I HATE the fact that people view our bodies’ processes as “taboo.”

    This is why women are ashamed of our bodies. We must stop the cycle. It’s okay to talk about this stuff!!!

  • thank you for sharing-its the worst! hang in there….HRT helps manage the craziness of most of it. I spent two years from age 34-36 going for blood work after blood work to find answers since I was so not myself and the same situation you are having but never thought it was peri~ at least now with a diagnosis I can help manage the symptoms and the hubs can understand a bit where its coming from

  • Two words, my friend: Intra-uterine Ablation. Dude, it saved my sanity AND my undies. Things were getting really outta control – ahem – in “that department”. The procedure was completely covered by insurance, took 30 minutes at my OBG office, was only mildly painful rather like having a half-hour of serious cramps. Changed. My. Life.

    How’s THAT for TMI?
    I hope you get some straight answers from your doc, and that your spirits quickly rise to once again reflect the deep satisfaction you clearly have in the life you’ve built!

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  • I’m chiming in here late, Roni. First of all, thanks for sharing. We all need to vent and share. I’m perimenopausal and almost through the journey (I think lol). My cycles are about 8 months apart for the past couple of years. I have been greatly helped by taking a product called Female by Dr. Schulze. It helps my hot flashes (which are exacerbated by sugar in almost any form) and most of all, it naturally balances hormones. I’m not a seller, sponsor, being paid by the company or anything like that. It works for me and some of my friends/family.

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