I should totally be packing but I feel like I finally have a minute to breathe and I’m not letting it pass by without writing.
Over the past year, my daily blogging habit has slowly slipped away. I no longer have the time to experiment in the kitchen. I’m not interested in keeping or sharing food journals or my experience with weight loss or fitness. The kids are getting older and I want to honor their privacy. (Especially the 12-Year-Old, who when I started blogging was THE BABY!) Taking photos has started to feel more like a job instead of a fun hobby. And I just got tired of letting people in my head all the time.
Yet, I often wonder if letting the writing/blogging habit slip has led to my feelings of disconnection. For more than 12 years I have written regularly about my life in one way or another and it has helped me digest my thoughts, sift through my feelings and even analyze my own actions.
All that nasty stuff now just bounces around the old noggin and I feel different.
Truth be told, my whole life I’ve always been fairly forgettable. A typical plain Jane. I’m the simple smile-er. The one who makes everyone else feel welcome. The one who’s in touch with everyone else’s feelings. I’m shy in a way but friendly. Awkward but welcoming.
Blogging helped me blossom. I found confidence by being vulnerable, sharing my struggles and connecting with like-minded people.
Now, however, the thought of doing all the things that once helped me seems daunting. Yet, here I am doing it right now, and I’m, interestingly enough, already starting to feel better. So I think I’m going to keep going and confess/share a few more things.
- Work is wearing me out especially with the kids home for summer break. I normally hit the gym, come home, get ready and leave before anyone is even up. By the end of the day, I’m itching to get home but I’m completely drained. I feel like I have to force myself to muster the energy to hang out with the kids, and I hate that feeling.
- There are days I tell them I just can’t do it. There are days I just want to be left alone and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
- Part of the reason I have let blogging slip is because I don’t want to be a big downer. In the past, all my blogging came from a place of happiness, hope, and excitement. I was inspired by inspiring. Now I think I’m the one in need of inspiration.
- I’m running out of energy. I guess I already said that in so many words but it’s true. Things that used to energize me now feel like a chore.
- My hour at the gym is still my favorite time of day and I wish I had even more time to go, to be honest. This may sound strange because I was just complaining about being so tired and out of energy but it’s the only place I feel free.
- I stopped food journaling altogether and I’m starting to gravitate toward a lower-carb type of diet. I still believe nothing should be off limits, but after more than a decade of self-prescribed “diet” experiments, I have found that by keeping sugar and simple carbs at bay it helps me feel my best. I’m less bloated, have less gastric issues (remember this?) and feel less hungry throughout the day.
- Speaking of issues, my monthly friend is still a nightmare. I talked to the doctor about it last week and have an ultrasound scheduled when I get back from the beach. I’m tired of feeling like I’m stuck in an endless cycle of pain, hemorrhaging, moodiness, and bloating. Round and round I go with what feels like no break. I really don’t know what my “normal” is anymore and it weighs on me. A lot.
- I’m lonely. My marriage is great. My kids are awesome. I’m blessed with amazing friends. I am quite possibly the luckiest person in the world on this front, yet I feel lonely. (Here I am taking one of my lonely walks in the rain during lunch time at work. I’ve gotten tired of asking people if they want to join me.)
- I know I shouldn’t feel lonely so then I feel guilty and ashamed about feeling lonely. Am I just too needy?
- I’m utterly exhausted from keeping this all in my head and I just audibly sighed a happy sigh of relief that I have shared it all.
OK, I did it. I got all the shitty thoughts out of my head. It’s now time to pack for my favorite week of the year: BEACH WEEK! Last year was my first ever Scale-less, Mirror-less, Computer-less Week at the Beach. This year I’m hoping for more of the same. This year, I’m not even bringing my computer but I will definitely come home and share my thoughts.