10 Confessions on Beach Week Eve

I should totally be packing but I feel like I finally have a minute to breathe and I’m not letting it pass by without writing.

Over the past year, my daily blogging habit has slowly slipped away. I no longer have the time to experiment in the kitchen. I’m not interested in keeping or sharing food journals or my experience with weight loss or fitness. The kids are getting older and I want to honor their privacy. (Especially the 12-Year-Old, who when I started blogging was THE BABY!) Taking photos has started to feel more like a job instead of a fun hobby. And I just got tired of letting people in my head all the time.

Yet, I often wonder if letting the writing/blogging habit slip has led to my feelings of disconnection. For more than 12 years I have written regularly about my life in one way or another and it has helped me digest my thoughts, sift through my feelings and even analyze my own actions.

All that nasty stuff now just bounces around the old noggin and I feel different.

Truth be told, my whole life I’ve always been fairly forgettable. A typical plain Jane. I’m the simple smile-er. The one who makes everyone else feel welcome. The one who’s in touch with everyone else’s feelings. I’m shy in a way but friendly. Awkward but welcoming.

Blogging helped me blossom. I found confidence by being vulnerable, sharing my struggles and connecting with like-minded people.

Now, however, the thought of doing all the things that once helped me seems daunting. Yet, here I am doing it right now, and I’m, interestingly enough, already starting to feel better. So I think I’m going to keep going and confess/share a few more things.

  1. Work is wearing me out especially with the kids home for summer break. I normally hit the gym, come home, get ready and leave before anyone is even up. By the end of the day, I’m itching to get home but I’m completely drained. I feel like I have to force myself to muster the energy to hang out with the kids, and I hate that feeling.
  2. There are days I tell them I just can’t do it. There are days I just want to be left alone and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
  3. Part of the reason I have let blogging slip is because I don’t want to be a big downer. In the past, all my blogging came from a place of happiness, hope, and excitement.  I was inspired by inspiring. Now I think I’m the one in need of inspiration.
  4. I’m running out of energy. I guess I already said that in so many words but it’s true. Things that used to energize me now feel like a chore.
  5. My hour at the gym is still my favorite time of day and I wish I had even more time to go, to be honest. This may sound strange because I was just complaining about being so tired and out of energy but it’s the only place I feel free.
  6. I stopped food journaling altogether and I’m starting to gravitate toward a lower-carb type of diet. I still believe nothing should be off limits, but after more than a decade of self-prescribed “diet” experiments, I have found that by keeping sugar and simple carbs at bay it helps me feel my best. I’m less bloated, have less gastric issues (remember this?) and feel less hungry throughout the day.
  7. Speaking of issues, my monthly friend is still a nightmare. I talked to the doctor about it last week and have an ultrasound scheduled when I get back from the beach. I’m tired of feeling like I’m stuck in an endless cycle of pain, hemorrhaging, moodiness, and bloating. Round and round I go with what feels like no break. I really don’t know what my “normal” is anymore and it weighs on me. A lot.
  8. I’m lonely. My marriage is great. My kids are awesome. I’m blessed with amazing friends. I am quite possibly the luckiest person in the world on this front, yet I feel lonely. (Here I am taking one of my lonely walks in the rain during lunch time at work. I’ve gotten tired of asking people if they want to join me.)
    Screen Shot 2017-07-07 at 9.29.15 PM
  9. I know I shouldn’t feel lonely so then I feel guilty and ashamed about feeling lonely. Am I just too needy?
  10. I’m utterly exhausted from keeping this all in my head and I just audibly sighed a happy sigh of relief that I have shared it all.

OK, I did it. I got all the shitty thoughts out of my head. It’s now time to pack for my favorite week of the year: BEACH WEEK! Last year was my first ever Scale-less, Mirror-less, Computer-less Week at the Beach. This year I’m hoping for more of the same. This year, I’m not even bringing my computer but I will definitely come home and share my thoughts.

26 comments On 10 Confessions on Beach Week Eve

  • I can so relate to all of this. I’m pretty sure if we knew each other IRL, we’d definitely be friends. =)

  • Hi Ronnie. Truth be told when I was following you I was in the exact same place as you and loved my 85lb weight loss after my 4th child at 40 and I was in my bliss. Then got tired of folding laundry and needed to use my brain again. lol long story short I became a personal trainer and life went uphill/downhill from there. Have to admit I stopped following you because you were still killing it! I was giving all to my clients and nothing to my family. I was killin it in the gym doing crossfit, power lifting every week meanwhile I started gaining weight because I went into menopause 2 years ago. 40lbs heavier but loving myself still as long as I didn’t look in the mirror. Last year i shut myself in my room and disconnected..really lonely as u mentioned, my family was falling apart because I was away most nights for work and was so tired. My Husband is amazing and did everything for the kids. I got off the hrt’s and watching my food much better. I am about to embark on another journey to cut back from work and focus on my family. You have been An amazing inspiration to me and have watched you for years. Hang in there and have an amazing summer with your kids. I plan too have the best one I have had in 3 years and be more present but yet still connect with myself. I am so glad I saw your post today and know that I am not alone in my journey..

  • I’m so glad you posted. I miss your posts. I know your life is different now. It was nice having you there as my “friend in my head” along with Carla.
    I’m still listening

  • Roni-

    I too feel like I am in your shoes. The last two years just seem so hard in the years prior. My husband is fantastic yet I keep having this horomonal issues but the doctor says everything is “normal” (so annoyed by this) I feel like I’m in this constant ebb and flo of wanting to be alone (yet I’m the extrovert) and needing my human interaction. This is so weird for me. Weigh loss doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. So I think I get you. Reach out to us anytime. We are here for you. Just like you have always been there for us.

    • Doc just told me the same thing! Made me feel even crazier. I totally get the extrovert that wants to be alone thing. I’m totally struggling the same way!

  • Roni, your post came through my email just now as I was catching up on messages from the week and I felt compelled to respond. I get it…every word. I’ve been reading your blog for years. I found it while pregnant with my son almost 11 years ago. I have always felt this connection to your words because they are genuine, full of raw truth, and often exactly what I am thinking or feeling. I too feel lonely and overwhelmed these days. I find the more “connected” the world becomes in terms of social media, the lonelier I have become. I miss the days of talking on the phone for a long time with a friend. I miss having things to actually talk about because you didn’t know everything the second it happened. I find myself steering further away from Facebook in particular. I also seek solace in alone time. I appreciate your honesty. Your story inspired me to create a healthier life for myself and my family. Weight loss/maintenance will be an eternal struggle, but I am healthy now, very active, and I enjoy life in a way I never did before my son. Please know that by sharing your journey you have changed more than just your own life in a positive way. I wish you a relaxing beach vacation and a peaceful remainder of the summer.

  • This is all perimenopausal! All the things you mentioned are attributable to this stage of your reproductive life. You should not feel guilty at all! Fatigue, lethargy, depression, and loneliness are all symptoms of impending menopause. This will all be over In a few years, but until then, just know it’s all normal and you are not cracking up. Welcome to the sisterhood of menopause!!

    • That’s what I keep reading but I think part of me doesn’t want to admit I can’t control my damn hormones!

    • I think Val is probably correct. The thing about perimenopause is that you don’t connect until you come out on the other side. At least, that’s how it worked for me. It was easy to see how things were working once I got through it, but during that time, I was clueless.

      I appreciate your honesty in all this. Just know that you are not alone. I’m no doctor, but I chose to forego any HRT and for me that was the best thing. Hang in there. 🙂

  • Karen (Scotland)

    Don’t ever worry about your blog being a downer – I’ve only been following you a year or two and I found you when I googled “mum fitness weight loss difficulties”. I was looking for another mum who’d managed to get fit and was maintaining it but in balance with a family. I was desperate to find someone inspiration BUT real. And I found you, with your delish recipes, and your two boys, and husband that doesn’t cook, and your attempts to start food journalling again. You were real.
    Your hormones, moodiness etc just make you even more real. My hormones are going doolally too – I’m going to have to do something – so the more I know what friends (real and virtual) are doing, the easier it is for me to accept and deal.
    You blog whenever you want, lovely lady. If you’re feeling inspirational, that’s a bonus. If you feel like a deflated tire, we’ll find a bike pump and get to work. And, know what, some days, you’ll just say “Actually, can I just be flat?” and we’ll say “Yep, no pressure.” (See what I did there?! That was unintentional but it’s made me chuckle, I’m such a geek…)

    Try Audible for the lunchtime walk. Or maybe podcasts? Friends/companions are so much just geography – I would have loved a lunchtime walk buddy back when I was working.

    Take care,
    Karen (Scotland)

  • Roni,
    Thank you for such an honest evaluation of where you are right now. I look forward to your posts because it feels like hearing from an old friend. I’m always nodding along as I read.
    I especially relate to your recent mixed feelings regarding living a full and wonderful life (husband, kids, work, travel, health, etc.) and yet being exhausted and lonely more often than expected.
    I wish you all the best and hope that your beach week will be rejuvenating. I hope you decide to keep blogging (for purely selfish reasons) but you have to do what feels right for you. Please continue to take good care of yourself!

  • Blogging in some form is in my blood and it’s way cheaper than a therapist. 😉

  • The “over flow” has a whole lot to do with it. I have been there and that is just dreadful. I am one of the ones who mentioned a D&C and ablation. Changed my life, so much better. But it is important to time it correctly. That will eliminate or reduce monthly to almost nothing. I then went on to not notice menapause. At all. Blood tests were the only way I knew. I realize that is not everyone, but it was my experience.

    Also, do you listen to podcasts? Because that has helped me with loneliness a great deal. This American Life and Gretchen Rubin and The Moth. I listen with earbuds while I walk. Makes a big difference. Also listening to music or audible book or podcasts, in the car (and not the news) helps.

    Are you on a really good multi vitamin? And are you taking D3 supplement year round?

    You mentioned reducing sugar. That helps keep blood sugar levels steadier. That helps greatly too. Spikes and falls can cause all kinds of tiredness and ills.

    Therapist is a wonderful thing. Truly wonderful. I have had one for many years. You might want to reconsider that. A female therapist who is slightly older than you are might make a great deal of difference.

  • Oh Roni I wish I could just reach out and give you a big hug 🙂 Please please please check your hormones…and don’t let the doc tell you they’re “normal”! I can bet a little bit of estrogen and progesterone to balance it out with make you feel a whole heap better! I work with women having hormonal issues, and it seems the ages are getting younger and younger …be well!

  • Journal and then you won’t have to answer to anyone but yourself. Get thyroid checked. Start running again (if you have put that on hold). I was SO glad when I hit menopause- was actually glad to experience the night sweats! By all means be there for your kids- I never understood the “bare it all, take pix of every family event” on blogs anyway. It’s invasive and like you said, exhausting!

  • Sounds definitely like perimenopause. Find a better dictircir women’s Heath therapist. Each woman is different in what works. Vitamins. Supplements. Different exercise.diffetevr diet. Hormones are annoying. Yoga helps many. Meditation.
    And writing. I too have missed you.

  • Roni,
    Others have mentioned having hormones checked-do it! I’m 36 and had been feeling crappy for years. I found an integretive medical center where they blend holistic and traditional medicine to help people. Dr. sent me for bloodwork and prescribed me various vitamins, hormones, medicine and I feel so much better! The center does not accept insurance (not sure if all integretive centers work that way) but it was worth the money to have someone care enough to help me. Good luck and enjoy the beach and the family!!

  • Has it really been 12 yrs you’ve been blogging? I think I found you soon after you started. Let me join the “I’ve lived in your skin” chorus. I had wondered if adding the full-time in the office job would nudge you into this headspace, because that’s what did it for me. Finally around holiday time, I miserably wailed to the family I simply couldn’t do everything I had been doing AND work full time. My sweet kids told me all they ever wanted was a tree with presents under it on Christmas morning – anything else I had ever done had been for me. That made it easy. No more house decorating for holidays, special baking, or parties. Just one tree at Christmas plus a few other special family items, gifts bought online (and eventually just checks for birthdays), and generally just less “momming”. Kids didn’t seem to notice or care, and my sanity more than made up for it. For me, this was long before the added complication of being a hormone hostage, so you’ve got the double dose. So besides investigating all the excellent suggestions given for hormone control, let me be the one to advocate for general life simplification.

  • I’ve worked in an office setting, behind a computer for the last 18ish years. I firmly believe the combination is slowly sucking my soul out of my body. It’s miserable and uninspired which makes me want to do absolutely nothing. I too am married (very happily) with kids (2 beautiful girls) and they don’t get the best of me when I get home. Holy crap the guilt! It’s crippling. I’m trying to figure out how to make work just that thing I do during the day that pays the bills and doesn’t effect me in any other way. I changed jobs about a year ago from one that made it hard to get out of bed in the morning. I was so desperate not to be there and cried most days. This was very unusual for me. The change has been good. The people and work are much better but I’m still just so bored with all of it. I feel like I live for my weekends and life is just passing me by. Boy, I can go on and on… Long story short, you aren’t nuts. Unfortunately, I think a great many of us feel the same way you do.

  • I completely understand how you’re feeling. As someone who works full time it is such a pain in the butt to fit in exercise, house chores, cooking & meal planning, family, fun around the 40+ hours each week. Throw in hormonal issues & YIKES! After feeling crappy for so long & getting the response “all your tests came back normal”, I finally sought out a functional medicine doctor. She was a traditional MD, but now incorporates integrative medicine. I am on some natural HRT along with some supplements including iron (which tested low & is the reason for my hair thinning) & I have been feeling better. Just something to think about. Don’t buy that it is all in your head crap! What a medical cop out.

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